Please forgive me if this is an uncomfortable subject to read about but it is the repeated and unsolicited focus of much of my professional growth these days.  As such, I write about it only from my perspective, but certainly with the fervent belief that it should be a more explicit part of our dialog with one another as professionals.

Last fall there were a couple of ethnically charged hate crimes on the Columbia campus (one toward a Black professor and one toward a Jewish professor - both women), both in the psychology department.  One was far more publicized than the other, though the two clearly built off of each other in regards to the pain and discouragement they radiated through the department and through the school... and through my life. 

As an Black (Caribbean/American) woman going through years and years of education in New England, the notion of race has become more and more prevalent for me.  Frankly, more than I would like to acknowledge since I enjoy robust friendships and professional relationships almost entirely with people who are not of my cultural background.  As I get older, my sentiment about all of this is rapidly shifted from first gear - 'what's the big deal'?'- to third gear - 'why aren't we doing more to address this obvious shortcoming in ourselves and our profession - to  stall - 'oh my goodness I don't want to deal with this angst anymore!'  The issue of my racial difference has come up professionally and personally this year in ways that seem beyond what I can hold within myself.  The responses I get when I talk about it then with my peers- either complete unawareness, rationalizations, or complete helpless at what any of us can do about it - have been no less discouraging.  The problem is systemic, pervasive, and so under our radars that it is easy to doubt even our own personal experiences if we are not being alert to how we have been socialized to ignore it.

For most of my life, these issues have fit into two categories - personal frustration and sociological musing.  I have not imagined that this level of consideration would be a large part of my work as an individual psychotherapist.  Of course I expected that in working with clients of various cultural backgrounds, the issue of culture might come up.  But I did not pause to think about the ways that culture would not ever be mentioned but still permeate every aspect of the discussion.  Nor had I considered how the legacy of social systems in the country might also impact the very tools we use as psychologists to connect with and understand our patients and ourselves.

Here are some examples (again, there may be an uncomfortable feeling reading further):
1) I have had two Caucasian clients each tell me that I should understand where they are coming from (both in conversations where they were chastising me for not giving them what they felt they needed) 'because you are Black and should get what it's like to feel persecuted.'  One said so in a room of other people in a comment that equated my skin color to a physical disability.

2) I have had someone I very deeply trust in a community I very deeply trust, reach out before receiving permission to feel a burn scar I've recently gotten because 'I have never seen a burn on African-American skin before.'

3) I have worked in all White staffs and had supervisors sigh relief and say that they were grateful that I was there when minorities have come to assess our site, because they were having a hard time explaining the racial homogeneity of the workplace.

4) I have had conversations in class about the merits of racially diverse cards for projective tests.  Actually, this conversation was very robust and valid points were made all around.  But, I was surprised by the number of people who felt, out of hand, that cards that 'look like you' may be relevant in assessing social acclimation but not is determining emotional development.  I think an argument can be made for this, but the idea that many people believed it without argument gave me pause.

5) I have led psychotherapy groups in which Black and other minority clients were deemed 'awkward', 'inappropriate', 'rebel-rousers' purely on the basis of the mannerisms with which they speak and present themselves - by both staff and patients.

6) As I previously insinuated, I have observed the impact on intellectual safety of friends at Columbia in the wake of these hate-crimes.  This has been particularly true if their research was on topics of diversity or if they had come to feel that such contempt only occurred in back allies perpetrated by the 'unenlightened.'

Interestingly, I have no particular answer or animosity about any of these examples.  I do have a lot of pain about it.  Personally I feel like a lot of my history of racial pain will be carried mostly in isolation.  But as a profession, I also wonder at the impact of these sorts of situations on the guardedness, assumptions, and interpersonal foibles of our clients and ourselves, throughout any given therapeutic relationship.  I mean, what were the changes, if any, in my care of the two patients mentioned above when they made their statements about my race, both of which made me very angry, defensive, and placid in the moment.  For that matter, what is the general impact on my empathy of the fact that I think most people will not understand the experiences I am trying to articulate?  I wonder about women who have dealt with trauma and are tentatively pondering interpersonal trust - how do they feel to then be subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) ostracized by the group of women in which they are meant to receive healing?  I wonder how much research is stifled by fear of retaliation like that at Columbia.  I wonder how many test subjects are somehow misrepresented because of homogeneous batteries that subconsciously trigger defensiveness (think of stereotype threat) rather than resiliency. 

I imagine I could go on and on about this. 

The school is doing what is required by APA regulations, and even more, to confront these issues.  Cross Cultural Counseling is taught by a woman with a humbling passion for equality and education across racial, SES, gender spectrum, and sexual orientation lines.  The few minority professors in the school speak about their lives and experiences unapologetically and with insight whenever appropriate; they are generally well received by students, faculty, and administrators in this vulnerable assertiveness.  They inspire others of us to timidly begin to do the same in regards to our respective minority experiences.  The international film series, the Spanish discussion table, the doctoral projects of students... All of these begin the discussion. 

Yet, when I fill out course evaluations, for most I write that 'addresses issues of diversity in the field' is either below average or N/A.  Further, I find that we stumble and then back down many times as we try to find language for these issues in impromptu conversations about testing, therapeutic rapport, personality disorder diagnostics, and so on.  Perhaps I should not speak for others.  I will just say that sometimes I back down.  And I do so because it is exhausting to be on the same soapbox all the time.  It is lonely.  It is vulnerable.  (I can say with confidence that my discomfort at writing points 1 and 2 above is at least as much as what it might be to read them.  So much so that I did not feel I could mention them in a fairly close-knit cohort when they were directly applicable to class discussion.) And it is paranoia-making.  (Did that seriously happen the way I remember it?)  I am a fairly outspoken person so when I notice myself backing away from a discussion, I wonder how many others are as well.

What I really think about the whole topic at this moment in my life is somewhat fatalistic.  I won't indulge it here.  What I will say instead is that this realm of interpersonal nuance that I had once thought only important on a societal and sociological level, is vital to our one-on-one work as therapists.  It is a part of our training that classes could probably insist on more, especially in the more subtle forms that I named above.  But, for that to happen, professors and students need to be more comfortable being awkward with each other as we stumble through such conversations.  Additionally, I feel more and more that this is a level of our training that happens only when we force ourselves to open our eyes wider than our comfort zones in our clinical work and begin to ask questions of those interactions to which we believe we already have the answers.  This requires, also, supervisors who can challenge us in that way without assuming that they can teach us anything other than how to be humble and vulnerable as we walk around in this murky water.  Frankly, I think it requires a higher proportion of minorities (of all types, not just racial) in the building so that people don't feel like they are standing alone or that they run the risk of unintentionally insulting someone who has no understanding ally with whom to process. 

All of this (and here my fatalism rears its ugly head) takes time, courage, diligence, and grace on the part of everyone from students to staff, faculty, and administrators as we attempt to build the perpetually elusive community strong and sensitive enough to make the mistakes that promote progress.  I wonder if we have it in us.

I don't always feel strong enough to do it.  I really never feel knowledgeable enough to do it.  But perhaps as we write, read, and reflect together, we will begin to develop more curiosity and more skill - I sincerely hope for our school community and I fervently pray so for our profession.

Peace,
adwoa

I spoke to my mother yesterday about the fact that I NEED a break. At the moment that I spoke to her, I was delivering this news as a very stern statement of fact rather than a malaised lament.

The truth is that a break is, in fact, on the way. It is only the third week of March but we are, at this point, only five classes away from the end of the term. Who could ask for a better break than that? Well, I can, and, fortunately, the school obliges. In just under a month, we have a "spring break" just one week before the end of the term!

Last year I thought this was the most ridiculous concept thing I'd ever encountered. Now, in the thick of trying to design a doctoral project, complete a string of theory courses, and make the 'smooth' transition from practicum level of care to internship readiness, I find that this innovation of vacation right before the end is truly brilliant. Any faults aside, for this reason alone, the school should be canonized. This year I am trying ardently to go someplace exotic - the Bahamas, Bermuda, Jamaica...

It occurs to me that I will not likely have someone to go with. But, at this point, I am eager for a week by myself. What a funny thing for someone to say when she is half way through a degree preparing her to talk to people every day for the rest of her working life. Yet I do not perceive a contradiction here. I have noticed that someone about working with others has allowed me to connect with a certain silent place within myself. And, conversely, remembering that silent part of myself makes me better at my work. And then I remember, though the break is at the end of the academic semester, it is a solid month and a half before the end of my placement year. So, yes, I think I will joyfully take the pause, grab a book, and just lay on a beach somewhere (hopefully) in solitude. Hopefully, thereafter I will be ready to finish this last segment of my work at this site well.

adwoa

I can finally kiss this crazy internship site search goodbye-- at least for one more year*! I have decided to accept an internship for the 08-09 school year at the Brenner Center, which is a psychological assessment center that is operated by MSPP. It's a great program that offers assessment on a sliding scale so people with low-income can get the testing they need that otherwise they might not be able to afford. Here's a blurb about it from their website:

 THE DR. LEON O. BRENNER CENTER FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSESSMENT AND CONSULTATION

The Dr. Leon O. Brenner Center for Psychological Assessment and Consultation at the Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology (MSPP) provides comprehensive psychological assessment to address problems of learning and adjustment for children, adolescents and adults. On the Center’s staff are senior psychologists, doctoral students, and post-doctoral fellows who work as a team to provide comprehensive evaluations, jargon-free reports, consultation and advocacy to facilitate the implementation of assessment recommendations.

Our thorough, accessible reports provide invaluable information to therapists, physicians, educators, employers, families and individuals to assist with educational planning, job performance, psychotherapy and personal growth. MSPP has always endorsed the tremendous value of a thoughtful and thorough psychological assessment in improving treatment and educational plans and in improving quality of life. The Brenner Center provides this invaluable service. 

Read more here

A Note for Prospective Students: MSPP has a handful of "centers" but don't be deceived- they tend to exist more as networks of people than in physical places. The Brenner Center utilizes the school building and isn't a freestanding structure unto itself. Similarly, some of MSPP's other 'center for x and y' type programs are more likely to be networks of people with a shared goal rather than any kind of defined place or space. I was confused by this when I was a first-year student and, for instance, wandered around the building for awhile wondering "where exactly is this "Center for Mental Health and Aging"?! (The answer to that question: inside Erlene Rosowsky's head! She, and a team of colleagues, host events, lectures, etc., but again, don't exist in a defined place.)

I'm very excited to spend a year honing my assessment skills, doing lots of testing and writing lots of reports. It's a skill that I really want to master before I finish grad school. I have taken the 'Psychological Assessment' course sequence but didn't feel like it gave me quite enough experience to feel truly confident at testing. If it's a career ambition, I definitely recommend planning to spend at least one year at a training site with significant testing responsibilities. I'm excited to get started!

kate.

* = In reality, in only a few short months, it will be time to start looking for internships again... I'm going to begin looking for an APA placement this summer and will have to start putting out applications in late fall. The cycle never ends... (cue the Lion King 'Circle of Life' theme song).


 

For the last few days I have wanted to write something about the nature of the application process. Certainly many of you are preparing to come to campus in the next weeks to interview at MSPP. Also, for students, this is the end of the first round of applications for field placements. This is clearly a season filled both with the anxiety of being evaluated and the excitement of redefining and expressing oneself, worth at least some reflection. Let me come back to that...

The truth is that as I have attempted to find words for the complexity of what the last several weeks have been like for me as an applicant or what it was like to apply to school, the same thought comes up for me again and again: I am sick! My body is run down; I am fatigued; and like a house guest who has lingered too long, the brisk air and gleaming snow have transitioned from being serene aspects of winter to frustrating attacks on my health.

This is a real part of being a student at least as much as it is a real part of being human. But managing the many aspects of professional, academic, and personal life makes it all the more palpable. I feel that there would be something disingenuous in writing about the student experience, my student experience, if it did not include the bitter truth that sometimes the need to pause and focus on self-care is the single highest priority in the process. There is a sense of both humiliation and gratitude when one's body says STOP! I think about school work and about clients. I think of the many responsibilities of my role as a student, as well as the many rewards of it, and being sick demands I figure out how to pause long enough to heal.

This is a message I reflexively deliver to my patients on a d-a-i-l-y basis. I say this to them in earnest, informing them that refusing to care for the self and heal is far from a noble self-sacrifice; it is exhausting and ultimately distracts them from being fully present to their relationships, their jobs, their lives. Sometimes they role their eyes and insinuate that I am not being realistic in assessing just how difficult it would be for them to put even one of their obligations on hold for the purpose of rejuvenation. Others nod and smile even while I can see their eyes glazing over as the words roll out of their minds. I find this frustrating. Yet I have to confess that over the past four weeks, I have responded to friends, supervisors and professors who have sternly offered me the same advice with the same level of defiance. I know this is a part of why I am still sick. Even still, I struggle to feel comfortable taking a break, asking for a few sick days, or taking an extension.

Graduate students (as represented by myself and my friends who similarly ignore their own advice in this realm) often fall into this trap. I think that new psychologists and other mental health providers struggle with this dynamic throughout the early parts of their careers. Our work is with people who rely on us to support us and who may, in fact, harbor resentment in those moments when we cannot. But, as I say to my patients, succumbing to that level of "self-sacrifice" when one really needs a break, has consequences of alienation and distracting from the long-term needs of ourselves as people AND as providers. In my case, a clear example is how the fall-out of illness has kept me from writing here as much as I'd like to. :-( I have to chuckle to myself because as I write this, I suddenly have the idea that asking for an extension at least once or missing just one obligation should be requirements for graduation! They are a part of the training that we often take for granted. For example, we discuss the anxiety of seeing a client we feel we might not be able to help. But we do not allow ourselves to explore or even acknowledge the anxiety we have about not being able to do everything at all times, even though this latter anxiety often has more consistent bearing on what we take on. There are whole fields of psychological study on caring for the caregiver and as students and budding clinicians it is worthwhile, in my opinion, to take early heed of these domains of professional growth.

Now that I've written all that, I do feel that it is somehow a statement about the application process. There year there were many interviews, one after the others. In my case, most of these were added to my normal responsibilities rather than balancing and making compromise with them. In other words, rather than a day off from placement to have a handful of interviews, I just had them on my day of rest. How easy it is to sacrifice our rejuvenating spaces without even realizing it! The process really was wonderful in all the ways I insinuated in the first paragraph. It was also intrusive and I didn't think to create new spaces for rest and self-care while I went through it. Coming out the other side, I am joyfully looking forward to an excellent community mental health placement for the fall but also anxiously wondering when I will stop being sick.

For everyone still somewhere in the middle of their own application processes: I encourage you to enjoy them! Bring your deepest self and take pleasure in the wonderful opportunity to share that with a captive audience. (Even in my most nervous moments this is what I really do believe about interviews.) I'll look forward to seeing many of you on the campus in the next couple of weeks. :-) But in the middle of the nerve-racking traveling, dressing up, sharing and waiting, and sharing and waiting, and sharing and waiting, I also offer you a challenge. Do you know where you'll get your rest and rejuvenation? If not, I encourage you to find time for yourself and cling to it proudly. Think of it as a practice in professional ethics! I will too.

Much health, luck, and peace in the coming weeks!
Adwoa